Unexpected Trial

Disclaimer: Today’s post is extremely raw, honest and emotional. If you are looking for a lighthearted blog post to read right now, I recommend that you skip this one.

I also want to note that I am not writing this post to seek sympathy, pity or attention. I truly feel God has put it on my heart to share my story. This topic is not often talked about and that can make anyone going through it feel very alone. I pray that by me sharing my story, I can help someone else get through their pain.

1 Peter 5:10

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

As I write this, it is July 23, 2018. Exactly one month since I lost my baby.

Some of you already know this and to some this may be a total shock. Today, I want to share with you our story. I say our story because it involves 3 people my husband, myself, and our angel baby.

On June 19th we found out that we were expecting our first child. So many emotions came over us when we first found out this news. It was not a huge shock to us but we were still in awe that this was happening. Anyone who knows me, knows that all I have ever wanted was to be a mom. I was so incredibly excited that it was finally happening! The next few days were amazing, I got to enjoy 3 days of being pregnant and dreaming of the future that was to come. On June 22nd, my birthday, we went in for our first appointment to do a confirmation of pregnancy. At this point it was still very early in the pregnancy and my hormone level was not high enough to read positive on the doctor’s pregnancy test. My experience at that doctor’s office is a whole different story but let’s just say it was not very good. I left that appointment feeling so confused and very upset. The next morning, I took three more pregnancy tests and all came back positive. I remember what a sigh of relief it was to see that I was still pregnant and to my knowledge everything was okay. I had no idea that I only had a few hours left with my precious child. Later that afternoon I started to lose the baby.

The next several days were an absolute whirlwind of emotions. Unfortunately, I tend to bury my feelings and act like everything is okay. This only prolonged the grieving process for me. The funny thing with grief is no matter how hard you try to get around it and not feel it, it comes out. I don’t think I truly started processing my emotions until 2 weeks after the miscarriage happened.

Right now (and nobody has told me this) but, I feel as though people expect you to move on very quickly with miscarriages. The fact is, I wholeheartedly believe that baby to be as much of a person as you or me. So how in the world could I be over it so quickly? – my husband and I still cry about our loss. This is a big deal to us. I know that it’s not the end. We’ll meet our little one in heaven, one day. I know that we’ll still have other kids in the future. But they won’t be a replacement. There is a loss and we cannot ignore this, nor should we.

The way I tend to cope and process things is to research and to write about it. So, I wrote a poem. I want to preface by saying that I know nothing about writing poetry and this may be all wrong. However, this is how I was feeling and the words just flowed out of me. Also, this may be a hard read for some, so take a deep breath.

It’s hard to explain, this feeling of emptiness inside.

It seems to consume me and all I do is cry.

I remember when it happened, the denial, the fear, the shock.

I thank God for your daddy, he truly is my rock.

People say it will get better, and easier with time.

But they don’t know the love that grew when I saw those two pink lines.

You see, the second I learned you were there,

I started dreaming of your little nose and even your hair.

Would you have looked like me, I will never know.

I’ll never get to kiss your owies, I’ll never see you grow.

I think the worst part is not knowing why.

Why did this happen, why did my baby have to die?

I struggle every day to put on my happy face.

But the sadness comes back when I’m in a dark and quiet place.

I had only a short time with you, my precious little bean.

Now you are in heaven, dancing with the King.